These letters document my journey of monetizing creativity. Take what inspires you and leave what doesn't resonate. xx

The Universe Doesn't Give You What You Want – It Gives You Who You Are Becoming

What do you want?

In late 2022 going into 2023, I found myself in a very low place. I was in a job that drained me mentally and physically, all for a sense of stability. On top of that, the last few episodes of the "Möther's Cream Diaries" podcast were being released.

I had nothing to look forward to. I had no plans for future projects. I was just living to live and for a creative person, that's absolute hell.

Over the summer, I was in Massachusetts for a wedding. While on the front porch of the three-tenant home where I grew up in, I was complaining to my godmother about how much I hated my current work situation. She turned to me and asked “Well, what to do want to do”?

I paused for a moment to think. It literally felt like this was the first time someone had asked me, "What do you want?" That's such a scary question because you can't lie to yourself.

I hesitated. Then I said, "You know what? I have no idea what I want, and that's why I'm in this situation." That was a revelation for me.

If you don't know exactly what you want, how can you expect to be happy? Happiness isn't the end goal either; it's about waking up every morning, chasing and tracking the progress. Life is about experimenting and learning from both failures and victories.

After returning home from Massachusetts, I quit my job. I resumed freelancing in event production and quickly started working on my next creative endeavor, adapting my live show.

Even though the live show fueled my creativity, I still felt something was lacking. It seemed as if everything around me was evolving, but I remained still.

I thought about possibly moving to another big city. But where? And why? I had just successfully put on two shows for MCD and made a bunch of new connections in nightlife.

What am I overlooking?

When people ignore the possibility of change, life has a funny way of forcing it upon you.

In my previous letter, I discussed my vision board and everything I put on it. Anyway, after cobbling it together, I set it aside and didn't give it too much thought. I never realized that it contained clues explaining why I felt the way I did.

I was overlooking something so obvious because it felt so superficial.

I WANT MONEY!

Hello?! Even this newsletter was a cry for help. Initially it started as updates for my upcoming shows. However, it quickly pivoted to focus on "my journey of monetizing creativity," AKA making money… doing what I love.

I'm currently in an interesting situation. Consciously and subconsciously, I was asking the universe for more money and authority as an entrepreneur, and by authority, I just mean standing strong with my ideas.

Out of the blue, I received a job offer for a salaried position managing at a rooftop bar. Although I was very apprehensive about accepting the position because it stood for everything I wasn't, I understood that if I wanted a different reality, I needed to make some decisions that embody the version I want to be.

I'm only a month into this new position, but I can already feel my confidence rising. Those feelings of going nowhere and not growing? They're gone too.

I believe the universe threw this opportunity my way for a reason. I can create movies and write podcast scripts til I'm blue in the face, but without the confidence and skills of an entrepreneur, I'm merely treading water in this industry. Business is a fundamental aspect of making money.

I gotta become the person I aspire to be. When you commit fully, decide what you want, and let go of all limiting beliefs, that's when it happens.

Derek, you're a bar manager. Get over yourself.

I totally understand that, but I just raised my bar (no pun intended) of entry… and this is just the beginning.

MY BACKSTORY 7.0

Accept mistakes and learn from them. xx

It's 2020, and I recently completed a successful crowdfunding campaign on Seed&Spark for roughly $14,000 for a pilot episode of a new show called, wait for it... Mother's Cream Diaries.

One of the incentives for donating $50.00 was to receive a video link of myself jerking off. Using my pecker for good.

The show centers around a young British girl who receives her mother's absurd diaries while the mother is on her deathbed. As the girl reads the diary entries, we are transported into different parts of the mother's messed up world.

Each episode would represent a different diary entry. I would reprise my role as Cristal Connors, the self-medicating, abusive mother, and also play the young girl, Charlotte. Talk about drag delusion.

I acted very impulsively on this next project. As a novice DIY filmmaker, I thought passion and good old-fashioned editing were enough to carry it. Was I wrong.

I started organizing my cast and crew. This time around, I opted for a female director of photography. Her name was Melisse. She was a sweet girl but very wet around the ears.

I found my cast through Actors Access. Since this was post-COVID, all the auditions were held virtually. An interesting thing happened while reviewing the audition tapes — I was experiencing imposter syndrome. I remember the feeling vividly. Watching the tapes made me feel a huge sense of guilt because these actors had taken time out of their day to send me, a nobody, an audition tape.

In Letter 9, titled "The Pitch", I delve into the same topic of imposter syndrome. It's a horrible trait that I've somehow acquired and it's a huge trend throughout my life. Luckily, now I can confront it directly and am doing my best to get rid of that old belief system.

So, I assemble my cast and crew, and we shoot at three locations over the weekend.

I loved every moment of pre-production, from location scouting to designing costumes and creating shot lists. It all felt very profesh! However, the actual production was a different experience.

Firstly, filming this gave me a huge appreciation for the art of drag. The amount of effort and preparation that goes into the transformation process is ridiculous. It took me 90 minutes a day just to get into hair and makeup. Not to mention, performing in a breastplate and heels was not fun.

The biggest lesson from this project was trying to do too much without a concrete concept or script. The acting was kinda boring and we skipped filming some key footage, all 'cause I wanted to be a one-man show.

The editing process for this was just as difficult because It was a reminder at how bad I dropped the ball on this project. Fortunately, I did have the brains to hire an editor to help me.

Here’s the link and passcode to the project. I literally haven't shown anyone because its not a great reflexion of what I’m capable of.

Passcode: pilot

If you get a chance to check out the episode, I'd love to hear which parts you enjoyed, if any.

Also, would this be something you’d tune into watch on Youtube??

I'm planning to self-produce another episode for TV, but adapted directly from the podcast scripts that I have written.

I beat myself up about this project for a while, mostly because I crowdfunded for all this money and had nothing to show for it. But you live and learn, and if I hadn't done this, the podcast would have never been created.

That's all I have for this letter.

Again, if you have 14 minutes to spare, please check out the MCD pilot link above and send any recommendations, such as things you liked or things you would have liked to see. I'm considering revisiting the project for the TV medium again, but this time on my dime 😉

P.S. I'm also searching for a business partner. I'm seeking someone who not only complements my strengths but also brings fresh insight and wisdom to MCD and beyond. If that's you or someone you know, please send over a short bio and a description of why you'd be a good fit for me.

Thank you all for reading xx

If you have any questions or suggestions for the newsletter, please feel free to contact me directly at [email protected]. This is an open creative space!